When I work with a woman to find her libido, I take it for granted that she has a ‘sexual self’. By sexual self I mean the part of her that desires to feel sensual erotic touch. She has a part that wants to be taken to an exciting edge and takes pleasure in falling off that edge into a good feeling. I assume she has an aspect that wants to powerfully engage with her partner, to melt and merge, and enjoy letting her boundaries go. Even if her sexuality isn’t active at the moment, I assume that she is hungry for these experiences and that in some way her desire for this is part of what propels her into my office wanting more from sex than what she is getting.
This is an assumption I hold, and like other beliefs I have it is not true for every woman I see. This belief about women gets bumped down and knocked out of place, and I feel the bump. It comes when she says “I came here for my husband” or “I am here for my marriage”. “ I, myself, don’t actually care if I have sex again, ever”.When I hear those lines, and I do, I think she can’t truly mean what she is saying. That can’t really be true.
Her sexual self must have gotten lost in the woods. She must have an over-abundance of roles and responsibilities and she somehow can’t make time for pleasure. Or maybe sex is so frustrating of an experience and she is so tired of feeling frustrated that she is finished with sex. Maybe sex hurts. She couldn’t mean that she is actually tired of feeling sensual erotic touch. She couldn’t mean that she doesn’t want to be taken to an exciting edge and fall off into an exquisite feeling. She must have forgotten. Or she doesn’t know yet what is possible. Maybe there has never been an exciting edge for her, or an exquisite feeling.
And so, the search for her desire begins. It is like a stakeout where the surveillance is agreed upon. Was she ever excited for sex? If so, when was that? When did it disappear? Did it leave quickly, following surgery, or so gradually she didn’t notice it was missing. Was she with someone when it left, or was she alone? Has she looked for it before? If so, where?
Occasionally this mission ends on the first day, usually it lasts longer. Women can be complicated. They are multi-layered beings with many aspects, some quite deep and awe-inspiring. Female sexuality is not a one-hormone show. It can be intruded upon by hormone cycles, medications, relationship issues, illnesses, fatigue, unhealed sexual trauma, and lack of understanding. Any woman I see can be home schooling two kids, volunteering at church, and may be helping her parents in assisted living. She can be working 60+ hours/week as an attorney, have significant PMS and hormonal issues, and be on anti-depressants. She may be angry with her spouse for his business that failed, but trying not to be angry, and keeping her smile on for the family around the dinner table.
When I look at a woman, I am looking at a complex being with many competing elements. Her sex life is “just” one thing that wants her attention and there are so, so many other things. I cannot look at her sex life without seeing all the other things that compete with it.
And she, she has to find her sexual self, amidst all her others selves. Find it and give that aspect enough oxygen that it has a pulse of its own. A pulse that reminds her of the excitement and deliciousness of feeling sensually alive.
Too often the mother in her, or the nurse, or the problem solver, or the gardener outweighs the lover. These other aspects dominate her day, and define who she is to herself and to her family and friends. The lover in her may only get twenty minutes of floor time a few times a week. Hard to keep a handle on the part of yourself that you pull up so infrequently.
My personal preference is to keep the lover identity activated in all your roles — as mother, a nurse, teacher and even when you are gardening. You are an alive sexual, feminine being, why are you ever turning that off? Bring your lover with you to work. Bring her to the dentist. You aren’t going to sleep with your co-worker because you are an awake, vibrant, sensual being. You won’t lose your discretion when you claim your sexual self. In your every day world you can keep the aspects of you that you value alive.
And absolutely don’t let your partner forget who you are. Remind him or her every day, in many ways. And, it’s important to know, there is a difference between what you show the world and what you show your partner, an important difference.
When you are an alive, vibrant, sensual being – you are not promising to have sex with someone, you are being yourself. When you flirt, lift your skirt to show some leg, wink suggestively, or wiggle your hips you are communicating the promise of something more. If you are doing this with a safe, healthy, available partner you can have a great deal of fun engaging these aspects of yourselves. If you are doing this at your workplace or by a construction site, it isn’t appropriate. It can be unsafe too, as your action can be interpreted as a promise for more, a promise that you don’t mean or intend to fulfill. So keep your sensual aspects alive during your day. You can do it cleanly, and transmit to the world and most importantly, to your partner that you are a female that enjoys her sexuality.
Bottom line: I am sticking to my assumption that women have sexual selves — aspects of themselves that enjoy sex and sexuality. These selves can be recovered if missing, and they can be enhanced if they need more oxygen. I am currently in the retrieval business, I’m your advocate.
1. Experiment together with different touches, different times and new places to have sex and observe how excited you are. Track what positions, what touches, or what words arouse you. You can write them down. These things make up your arousal pattern, and you want to know what these things are and do them. Ask your partner for them. Don’t stop experimenting until you know what works to get you excited. Having you be aroused in the bedroom is at the heart of having it be special.