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A Woman’s Sexual Self

When I work with a woman to find her libido, I take it for granted that she has a ‘sexual self’. By sexual self I mean the part of her that desires to feel sensual erotic touch. She has a part that wants to be taken to an exciting edge and takes pleasure in falling off that edge into a good feeling. I assume she has an aspect that wants to powerfully engage with her partner, to melt and merge, and enjoy letting her boundaries go. Even if her sexuality isn’t active at the moment, I assume that she is hungry for these experiences and that in some way her desire for this is part of what propels her into my office wanting more from sex than what she is getting.

This is an assumption I hold, and like other beliefs I have it is not true for every woman I see. This belief about women gets bumped down and knocked out of place, and I feel the bump. It comes when she says “I came here for my husband” or “I am here for my marriage”. “ I, myself, don’t actually care if I have sex again, ever”.When I hear those lines, and I do, I think she can’t truly mean what she is saying. That can’t really be true. 

Her sexual self must have gotten lost in the woods. She must have an over-abundance of roles and responsibilities and she somehow can’t make time for pleasure. Or maybe sex is so frustrating of an experience and she is so tired of feeling frustrated that she is finished with sex. Maybe sex hurts. She couldn’t mean that she is actually tired of feeling sensual erotic touch. She couldn’t mean that she doesn’t want to be taken to an exciting edge and fall off into an exquisite feeling. She must have forgotten. Or she doesn’t know yet what is possible. Maybe there has never been an exciting edge for her, or an exquisite feeling.

And so, the search for her desire begins. It is like a stakeout where the surveillance is agreed upon. Was she ever excited for sex? If so, when was that? When did it disappear? Did it leave quickly, following surgery, or so gradually she didn’t notice it was missing. Was she with someone when it left, or was she alone? Has she looked for it before? If so, where?

Occasionally this mission ends on the first day, usually it lasts longer. Women can be complicated. They are multi-layered beings with many aspects, some quite deep and awe-inspiring. Female sexuality is not a one-hormone show. It can be intruded upon by hormone cycles, medications, relationship issues, illnesses, fatigue, unhealed sexual trauma, and lack of understanding. Any woman I see can be home schooling two kids, volunteering at church, and may be helping her parents in assisted living. She can be working 60+ hours/week as an attorney, have significant PMS and hormonal issues, and be on anti-depressants. She may be angry with her spouse for his business that failed, but trying not to be angry, and keeping her smile on for the family around the dinner table. 

When I look at a woman, I am looking at a complex being with many competing elements. Her sex life is “just” one thing that wants her attention and there are so, so many other things.  I cannot look at her sex life without seeing all the other things that compete with it.

And she, she has to find her sexual self, amidst all her others selves. Find it and give that aspect enough oxygen that it has a pulse of its own. A pulse that reminds her of the excitement and deliciousness of feeling sensually alive.
Too often the mother in her, or the nurse, or the problem solver, or the gardener outweighs the lover. These other aspects dominate her day, and define who she is to herself and to her family and friends. The lover in her may only get twenty minutes of floor time a few times a week. Hard to keep a handle on the part of yourself that you pull up so infrequently.

My personal preference is to keep the lover identity activated in all your roles — as mother, a nurse, teacher and even when you are gardening. You are an alive sexual, feminine being, why are you ever turning that off? Bring your lover with you to work. Bring her to the dentist. You aren’t going to sleep with your co-worker because you are an awake, vibrant, sensual being. You won’t lose your discretion when you claim your sexual self. In your every day world you can keep the aspects of you that you value alive. 

And absolutely don’t let your partner forget who you are. Remind him or her every day, in many ways. And, it’s important to know, there is a difference between what you show the world and what you show your partner, an important difference.

When you are an alive, vibrant, sensual being – you are not promising to have sex with someone, you are being yourself. When you flirt, lift your skirt to show some leg, wink suggestively, or wiggle your hips you are communicating the promise of something more. If you are doing this with a safe, healthy, available partner you can have a great deal of fun engaging these aspects of yourselves. If you are doing this at your workplace or by a construction site, it isn’t appropriate. It can be unsafe too, as your action can be interpreted as a promise for more, a promise that you don’t mean or intend to fulfill. So keep your sensual aspects alive during your day. You can do it cleanly, and transmit to the world and most importantly, to your partner that you are a female that enjoys her sexuality.  

Bottom line:   I am sticking to my assumption that women have sexual selves — aspects of themselves that enjoy sex and sexuality. These selves can be recovered if missing, and they can be enhanced if they need more oxygen. I am currently in the retrieval business, I’m your advocate. 

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A Focus on Your Arousal

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When women get in bed with their mates and start touch that leads to sex, they are often not yet physically turned on. They may be starting at a zero level of sexual arousal — or a two or three — out of ten. Their partner may already be at 7 or 8 or higher. The arousal level that would be exciting enough to lead them to an interesting experience or an orgasm would be a nine or a ten. That is a big jump, and it is a jump that can stall out. Finding out how to increase one’s arousal is a process of discovery. Most women I talk to who have low levels of arousal have not spent the time needed to explore what brings them pleasure. They have not discovered what actually works for them. Or, in some cases, they used to know, but their bodies have changed, and they have not re-explored.

A few years ago a 33-year-old woman introduced herself in an evening class I taught by saying she was there to find out if she could have sex that was something in-between the sex she was currently having with her husband, and the sex in the erotic novel, 50 Shades of Grey. Peals of laughter emerged from all corners of the room as the women in the class could relate. Women want to be highly aroused, and yet they don’t know what to do. They hope their partner can figure it out for them, they hope it will be more exciting this time, yet they don’t have a map to make it so. 

In my view the sex in 50 Shades of Grey is remarkable not for its S and M components but because it displays the benefits of having sex with someone who is well trained in sexual arousal. The level of training in and attention to arousal is the standout element in this book. The sex in 50 Shades of Grey did not just happen. It was sex with someone who had spent hours paying attention to what is sexually arousing to another person. Christian Grey had invested time, attention, and thousands of dollars on his sexual education. He had practiced and experimented for hundreds of hours the best way to move a woman from a zero to a ten. He learned to identify increases in her heart rate, to know which pressure of touch got her there faster, to hear which moans indicated she was near her edge. If the arousal level in your sex life does not match 50 Shades of Grey, don’t be down on yourself or your partner. Don’t think you should already know. If you’re like most of the people who come to see me, neither you nor your partner has had a single class in sexual arousal. You have not had the hours of one-on-one mentoring with uninterrupted focus and no expense spared that the fictitious Christian Grey had.

Most women piece together their education in sexual arousal with the bits and pieces they have stumbled upon from direct experience, or as interpreted through girlfriends, the movies, TV, Cosmopolitan Magazine, and maybe a sister. They hope their partner has had a better education, but this is unlikely.

As interested as men are in getting their women excited and pleasing them, and they are interested in doing that, few are well informed about how to do it. Most likely your partner has had little useful education about sexual pleasure. High school sex education classes cover anatomy and physiology, pregnancy, and sexually transmitted diseases. These classes focus on real problems and risks involved with sexual activity, but they do not educate at all on how to create a good experience or peak of pleasure. Your partner’s information about your pleasure most likely is collected from bits too, e.g. his friends, TV pornography, or other things he has read on the internet, as well as what he has found to work in the past.

Your arousal is at the heart of enjoying sex and central to both you and your partner’s satisfaction. Your arousal is a very good thing. The more you are aroused, the more excited you will feel, and the more likely you are to orgasm. Finding out what kind of stimulation gets you going is the missing information. 

The first thing to know as you explore what takes you from a zero to a ten is that no two women are alike. You have your own personal arousal triggers. The ideas you see in the movies, or hear from a girlfriend may or may not work for you. Experiment. Find out what makes you tingly or hot and what makes you wet.

What works for you sexually is not something you get to choose — it is something you get to discover. You can’t decide to be aroused by something, you get to try it and see if it actually works.

Be yourself, relax your mind, and feel your reactions. Feel them, don’t think about them, feel them. It can be fun. Perhaps a light touch to the side of your ribs is deliciously arousing to you. Or maybe you prefer being lifted strongly into the bed by your partner and aggressively mounted. Or a tender personal, erotic dialogue in your ear during intercourse may be what works to get you going. Is it roses? It is his sexual advances? Is it when he does something on the edge? What gets you sexually excited? Do you want touch on the sides of your external clitoris, sweeping in and barely touching, or do you want pressure from the top down?

Does romance arouse you? If so, don’t judge it; work with it. Read romance novels. Watch movies with swashbuckling heroes or heroines that are swept away by love. Ask your partner to up his romantic moves. Ask to be surprised with flowers, or to have your bed littered with rose petals and an enormous number of candles lit around the room, or dine first by candlelight as a prelude. Perhaps you’d like to role-play with him. He gets to be the Texas Ranger, and you are the irresistible damsel in distress, or vice versa. As you experiment you may be surprised by what excites you. Make note of it. You may not choose to do everything that you find excites you. Some things may not be safe or desirable. You will want to do some of them.

Watch erotic movies, or read erotic literature. There is a whole genre of material out there that is designed to turn you on — see if it does. In bed try a variety of touches and pressures, different positions, unique places and see how you respond.

When something works don’t keep it to yourself. With your words or your moans, let your partner know you are turned on. You can say: “More there,” “Yes!” “That’s it.” Be direct and positive. 

When things are not working, let him know too. If his hand is slightly off the right spot, move it. If the pressure is too strong, adjust your body or his.  Don’t do it as a frustrated woman, or a stern teacher, do it as a sexy female who is aroused and wanting to be more aroused. You are on the same team, working together to make sex exciting for both of you.

If you don’t know what touch or position you want, but you know what he or she is doing isn’t working, communicate your desire to experiment, “Let’s try here” or “Touch me here.” Take his hand and place it where you can explore. Move it in the rhythm that feels good to you. Small immediate sexy communications that disclose to your partner what is happening inside your body work to keep arousal building.

If squeezing your nipples is more arousing than kissing them, tell him to squeeze them. If you know the kind of passion in the kiss you want, show him. Kiss him the way you want to be kissed. Tell him in your aroused passionate (not angry or critical) voice that this is how you love to kiss.

For examples of women who have claimed their sexual selves enough to share the specifics of their own orgasms, go to www.OMGyes.com. The open talk on this site may reframe things for you and make it easier to disclose what you are experiencing.

Don’t take it personally if you have to tell him again the next time. Persist. When he sees what awakens when you get fully excited his memory will improve.

Be direct and positive. A man’s macho self can take it. They can take your honesty. They want you to be excited, so they are more open to change than you think. They don’t know what to do to get you excited, so tell them. 

If your partner is female, communicate with her in the language that would work for you, whether you are using the language of touch or words. Watch and listen to her responses closely, and adjust what you do. There are two arousal speeds in the bed, and you want both to be at a nine or a ten.

Remember, if you don’t know what works for you it does not mean there is anything wrong with you. Most likely you are sexually “normal”. You just never had the hours of education in arousal that Christian Grey had. You can start now. 

For more specifics on desire and arousal, click here to buy my book Fanning the Female Flame — How to Increase Your Sexual Desire without changing partners.

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