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A Body Designed for Sexual Pleasure and Female Orgasm

There is quite a lot to celebrate about the female body and how it responds to and is geared for pleasure and female orgasm. It is quite marvelous. When arousal is triggered, cascades of events occur. Neurotransmitters release from a woman’s brain and she gets a nice tingly feeling in her genital tissue. Her nipples become firm, and the clitoris gets erect. Her vulva swells and the labia change from flesh or pink color to a dusky rose or purple. She feels sexually excited. The vaginal walls get suddenly wet. Her clitoris and the surrounding vascular tissue engorges with blood. Some muscles contract and her heart rate increases. Breathing is fast. There is a sense of tension.

On the outside of the vulva, women and their partners can see the glans of the clitoris, that external bump of tissue. This glans has the most nerve endings of any place on her body. This is similar to the head of a man’s penis which is thought to be the most sensitive part of the penis with the highest concentration of nerve endings. Both these glans are very sensitive to touch and they can be extremely so. Yet they are not the whole story of arousal and orgasm. Obvious on the male, yet hidden on the female are the shaft and the two internal legs. The legs of the clitoris are 5 to 7 centimeters in length. The shaft and the legs are what cause both the penis and the clitoris to swell when arousal happens. They become erect. Internal swelling in a female can be felt through the upper vaginal wall in the area we know as the G spot. When swelling is significant enough with stimulation there — orgasms occur.

There is also an area of the vaginal wall that is deeper inside, referred to as the A spot or the Deep spot. This spot, on the upper vaginal wall in front of the cervix, can feel wonderfully arousing. This deep spot is mediated by a different nerve and women report that it feels different than both an external clitoral or G-spot orgasm. Women report they like it being touched directly, with thrusting motion, and they also like it when touch moves across the surface of that area, like skimming the surface of a lake.

The only function of the clitoris and its 8,000 nerve endings is for a woman to experience pleasure, sexual pleasure. The clitoris does not secrete substances or hormones, it does not contribute directly to reproduction or urination, it does not support other processes in her body. It exists for your pleasure.

On top of this awesome genitalia there are the many other erogenous zones in your female body. Your lips, your breasts, your nipples and the skin at the nape of your neck or inner thigh are territories of sensual delight to be explored. Skin can be wonderfully erotic and is packed with nerve endings. Light feathery touch can be scintillating, exploration can be done with your lips, tongue, fingers. There are 2,500 nerve endings per square centimeter in your fingertips, for example, and a lot can be communicated with touch, especially touch that is intended to excite and arouse.

Look at the marvelous features of your  female body, and you can appreciate that the physical groundwork for exquisite pleasure has been pre­-established. Having this sensitive equipment does not mean women get easily aroused. Many don’t. One has to have arousal triggered for this cascade of events to  occur. What triggers arousal and leads to female orgasm is the million dollar question.  Arousal can start long before you get in the bedroom, or it can start in the bedroom. It can start with a look, a touch, a smell. If a woman’s arousal is heightened and sustained on enough of her multiple channels, she will have a great experience.  The equipment for her pleasure is there, and one needs to know how to use it to.

PS: What works to get you aroused is not something you choose — it is something you discover.

See my other posts about arousal and female orgasm:

To read more explicit things about female orgasm and pleasure, click here and visit OMGYes.

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There is no better time in history to be a post-menopausal woman who wants to have a great sex life

Hundreds of women have told me, “I love my husband, but I am no longer interested in having sex.” Hundreds! Millions more are out there. More than 500 million women in the world are post-menopausal.  Many of these women still want to be interested in sex, they just aren’t.

Trisha was 62 years old when I first spoke to her about her sex life. Her drop in libido came with menopause, twelve years before. The change happened gradually, and sex with her husband became non-spontaneous and predictable—a once-a-week event, always at the same time in the same way—something like scratching a mutual itch, she said, “If we’re lucky enough to have the itch.” Although they’d had wonderful, compatible sex with each other for decades, it had become “Boring,” she said, “and we don’t do boring.”

Trisha had noticed this happening for a lot of her girlfriends— they were having less and less sex. “What I’ve seen with my friends is that because they’ve lost interest, due to menopause, they don’t feel motivated. They can’t see the point of revamping sexuality because from where they are, they don’t want to. What’s the point? They don’t feel sexy, they don’t feel horny, they don’t need sex anymore, so what the hell is the point of exploring it?”

Trisha was looking for options. Sex had been such an important and a strong part of her relationship with Ted, and they both wanted the spice back. She had high regard for Ted. ey had felt chemically attracted to each other from the time they’d first met in their twenties, and she wanted that back.

Part of the boring part for Trisha was that she used to orgasm during intercourse when she was on top, but she had not been able to do that for the past several years. Thee only way she could make it (have an orgasm) was through oral sex. In the past, she had been resistant to receiving oral sex. Once she began to experiment with it, she discovered how pleasurable it is, and she began to enjoy it. Still, she missed the variety of sexual options she’d previously had. Trisha signed up for my In the Bedroom class with the hope that it might help her figure out how to rekindle the spark she and Ted used to have.

When she told Ted she was going to take the class and why, it opened what she termed a scary conversation between the two about their current sex life. It was difficult and painful, but each of them found the courage and the honesty to say the hard stuff. They both admitted being bored with their whole pattern around sex. They agreed that sexuality was important to them, and that they were at a turning point. They were in their early sixties, and they both wanted to remain sexually active for another twenty or twenty- five years. Something needed to shift.

Trisha said that part of having the courage to broach this topic with Ted was she knew that they were supportive of each other. Neither was out to criticize the other. They both knew they wanted the same outcome: an exciting sex life. “It takes a lot of trust. Trust and knowing that you have faith in your partner, that you both want the same thing. It’s a huge, huge part of it,”Trisha said.

Whether your cyclical desire is gone due to surgery, menopause, or medication, there is a similar landscape to navigate. It is confusing, and can feel like a huge loss, sometimes devastating. One client, amidst tears and angry shouts, expressed how furious she was that no one had told her she would lose her mid-cycle interest in sex. She said she would have appreciated it more when she had it if she had known some day it was going to be gone. For women in a lesbian relationship at menopause, when ovulation stops, it can be doubly confounding, it is especially true if both women stop ovulating at or around the same time. With neither partner having that spontaneous cyclical interest, sexual initiation can drop sharply.

This lowering of libido is a common obstacle of menopause and the other one is the vaginal dryness which is often followed by sexual pain.   Trisha had the drop in libido obstacle, and she did not have the vaginal dryness. She got her libido back. Her story is below.

Highlighting her own femininity was central to Trisha sparking the change in her sex life. Her sex life had become boring, and so she came to my In the Bedroom series for help. At the end of the first class, I showed slides with pictures of ten low- or no-cost things a woman could do to spark an immediate sexual charge with her partner.

Ten Low to No Cost Things You Can Do to Spark an Immediate Sexual Charge

  • Stage your bedroom for a romantic event.
  • Make a sexual promise and keep it.
  • Interrupt your partner with one agenda only.
  • Give a sensual massage.
  • Break the rules.
  • Dress for sex.
  • Deliver a message written in lipstick.
  • Flash a body part, accidentally or with emphasis. Role play with characters you enjoy.
  • Send suggestive voice mails or texts – both ways.

Right after class, Trisha came up to me and asked if she could have a different assignment. “You need to understand, I don’t have any libido. I can’t do these things. I don’t have any desire for sex,” she said.

“Do them anyway,” I said. I wasn’t being unkind. I knew that the best way for her to find her libido was to take action. The following week Trisha was the first to raise her hand. She reported that she had done the assignment and picked something from the list, and she was shocked. She had dressed up in a sexy way, put on lipstick and eye makeup, and gone on a date with her husband. She flirted and they had fun. She already felt juicy again. “I was so surprised. I didn’t believe I could. I did all those things thinking nothing would happen. Now I am looking forward to sex with my husband!” Three months later, I followed up with her. She referred to her sex life as “hot.” “I did not know that I could control feeling horny through my mind, through thinking about sex, and through dressing up like I used to when I was sixteen or twenty-six and feeling beautiful. I think the key for me is really attention. Like you said, I can create that same feeling of hormonal need now, after menopause, by giving my attention to sex and feeling sexy. Part of all that is getting dressed up a little bit and going out somewhere in the evening, which we know isn’t the sexual part but we do it anyway. I like getting dressed up, knowing full well what’s coming later, and flirting, and making an event of the whole process so that I am feeling quite juicy by the time we even hit the bedroom. All of those things have rekindled my desire. I actually feel horny again!

Sounds kind of trivial and superficial to remember to dress sexily again. Luckily we have great bodies, so why not use them and dress sexily and not worry about the fact that I’m sixty-two years old, or believe that I should dress like sixty-two. No, I should not! To be the seductress in the bedroom, it’s the whole process—the way I dress and look, to the way the bedroom is decorated, to creating events, to having dates. Maybe going out for a six course meal, maybe going out for a martini, or something, but somewhere a little elegant.”

Overall, Trisha said her sex life has gone from boring to hot; in fact, her word now is “uninhibited.” She gives herself over to the experience of sex. Her mind quits and she allows her body to take over. ere is no control, and she can get lost in the experience. It feels like freedom and openness to her. It feels like coming home. She gets that luscious experience of oneness, the feeling that there is no separation between her and her husband. “I did a lap dance for him, which was great. I got dressed up and he chose the music, he arranged soft lighting in the room so it wasn’t too bright. The whole series (In the Bedroom) gave me permission to be erotic to do all that. It was wonderful. We went out together to get the stockings and the garter belt. He loves such things. And it’s just fun. It is about bringing the fun back in.” Connecting sexually has brought in more tenderness and respect. “We are both far more loving in the little ways throughout the day. It is just sweet. It really has improved in small ways which is lovely. There’s a wonderful sense of gratitude for each other. Our little secret of what we’ve done here together in the bedroom, which was a big step in intimacy, spills over to appreciation in all the other ways as well.” Trisha found that if she and her husband got into “work mode” for days at a time, they would schedule a date, and the good sexual tension returned. If Trisha missed sex first, she asked her husband to create a date. She liked it when he asked her to go on a date. His expression of desire for her added more romance, and she found romance arousing. There was another physical piece that added to Trisha’s pleasure. Ted’s erection had been getting softer in the past few years.  This is normal, though not desirable. They went together to see his primary care physician and got a Cialis prescription. Since using it, Trisha can orgasm again from being on top during intercourse. She had enjoyed this a lot in the past, and though she had added in oral sex successfully, having more variety of sexual positions was a positive.

Great Post-menopausal Sex is possible – the built in obstacles are navigable.  In part this is due to many different and safe treatments for the vaginal changes (Click here to read my other blog article on Vaginal Dryness), and the availability of Viagra like drugs and other products that are treatments for arousal problems.  It is also due to keeping your sexual vibrancy alive, which is not a drug. For Trisha, and many of my clients, it is doing the actions that keep the sparks flying.

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Women and Sexual Desire: Adding clarity into this mystery

The women I see in my office express a yearning for a deep connection and a big love affair, for a mate that treasures them more than anyone else. They want this passion and excitement in their everyday lives. Preferably they want to have this with their current husband, or partner. They do not want to change husbands to get this, though they may if it seems impossible otherwise.

At the same time that they express this yearning for a deeper and more exciting connection, they speak very highly of their mate. Nine out of ten women who come to my office give high marks to their partners. They deeply love and respect the male or female partner in their lives. They comment on his/her patience, understanding, and willingness to try anything. They talk about kindness and support and goodness. They are attracted to their mate.

And then we come to SEX, the reason she made the appointment in the first place. She says, “Is there something wrong with me, or wrong with my hormones, that I am not interested anymore? Is there a reason I am not into it? Can I change anything? Do I have to accept this as my new normal? Can I get back to the way it used to feel?” Or if she has never been turned on, “Can I ever feel what I hear is possible? It is not him, it is me. I am just not that into it.”

Low desire is the number one complaint women have worldwide. Four out of ten women say they have low libido, and one of those four is distressed about it.

One way to talk about women’s sexual desire is to break it down and talk about the different types of desire. Spontaneous desire is the name we give to desire when a woman herself wants sex. She is interested, she is on the prowl, she is excited. She is not responding to her partner’s advances; instead she is the one initiating the contact, making that first wink. There is also receptive or responsive desire. This is when a woman responds with interest to her partner’s or husband’s approaches. Sex is not her idea. The idea is originating with her partner. He or she does the thing that gets her interested, whispers the personal sweet thighs into her ear, or draws her a bath and lights candles.

Spontaneous desire in women can happen for a variety of reasons. One pattern that gets a lot of floor time in my office is cyclical or biological desire. This is the most common description I hear from women of what desire means to them. If you are still menstruating this occurs mid-cycle for a few days when hormones peak at ovulation time, about day 14 of your cycle. Some women also report an increase in desire right before their period begins or a day into their periods. At this point in your menstrual cycle, the PMS time, estrogen and progesterone are actually at their lowest levels. Testosterone is the only hormone left standing. It gets to dominate the action for a day or two, or longer. This type of desire is hormonally driven by the hormones that drive your menstrual cycles. This cycling drives the acne and irritability before your period too.

The cyclical spontaneous desire that can occur mid-cycle, and maybe at the end of the cycle, is not there after menopause. It is also not there when you block ovulation with hormonal birth control. As you can see women are not simple around sex, and in their beauty and complexity there are many places to look for desire. Occasionally low desire is caused by one thing, like an interfering medication. Sometimes it is hormones, vaginal dryness or sexual pain. Most often it is a variety of obstacles, physical and non-physical.

An important thing to remember: A woman does not have to have a surge of hormonal desire to make something interesting happen in the bedroom. She can create something interesting any day just because she can. 

Click here to read my blog post about women and sexual arousal.

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A Body Designed for Sexual Pleasure

There is quite a lot to celebrate about the fame body and how it responds to and is geared for sexual pleasure. It is quite marvelous. When arousal is triggered, cascades of events occur. Neurotransmitters release from a woman’s brain and she gets a nice tingly feeling in her genital tissue. Her nipples become firm, and the clitoris gets erect. Her vulva swells and the labia change from flesh or pink color to a dusky rose or purple. She feels sexually excited. The vaginal walls get suddenly wet. Her clitoris and its two 5 to 7cm long internal legs and surrounding significant vascular tissue engorge with blood. Some muscles contract and heart rate increases. Breathing is fast. There is a sense of tension.

On the outside of a woman’s vulva, women and their partners can see the glans of the clitoris, that external bump of tissue. This glans has the most nerve endings of any place on her body. This is similar to the head of a man’s penis which is thought to be the most sensitive part of the penis with the highest concentration of nerve endings. Both these glans are very sensitive to touch and they can be extremely so. Yet they are not the whole story of arousal and orgasm. Obvious on the male, yet hidden on the female are the shaft and the two internal legs. The shaft and the legs, are what cause the organs, both the penis and the clitoris, to swell when arousal happens. They become erect. That internal swelling can be felt through the upper vaginal Wallin the area we know as the G-spot. When swelling is significant enough and those clitoral legs are impacted by the swelling that surrounds the urethra, an internal orgasm occurs, a vaginal orgasm. There is also an area of the vaginal wall that is deeper inside, referred to as the A-spot or the Deep spot. This spot is in front of the cervix, and when stimulated can lead to orgasm. This is mediated by a different nerve and women report that it feels different than an external orgasm.

The only function of the clitoris and its 8,000 nerve endings is for a woman to experience pleasure, sexual pleasure. The clitoris does not secrete substances or hormones, it does not contribute directly to reproduction or urination, it does not support other processes in her body. It is there for her pleasure.

On top of this awesome genitalia there are the many other erogenous zones in the female body. Her lips, her breasts, her nipples and the skin at the nape of her neck or inner thigh are territories of sensual delight to be explored. Skin can be wonderfully erotic and is packed with nerve endings. Light feathery touch can be scintillating, exploration can be done with your lips, tongue, fingers. There are 2,500 nerve endings per square centimeter in female fingertips, for example, and a lot can be communicated with touch intended to excite and arouse.

Look at the female body and you can appreciate that the physical groundwork for exquisite pleasure has been pre-established. Having this sensitive equipment does not mean women get easily aroused. Many don’t. One has to have one’s arousal triggered for this cascade of events to occur. What triggers arousal is the million dollar question. Arousal is not something you choose – it is something you discover. Arousal can start long before you get in the bedroom, or it can start in the bedroom. It can start with a look, a touch, a smell. If a woman’s arousal is heightened and sustained on enough of her multiple channels, her orgasm happens.

Click here to read my blog post about women and sexual arousal.

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