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How to Keep the Bedroom Alive and Interesting for Both of You

These tips for increasing pleasure are from a handout given out at a recent couples workshop. Read through the list together as it can start an intimate conversation or even a more interesting engagement.

1. Experiment together with different touches, different times and new places to have sex and observe how excited you are. Track what positions, what touches, or what words arouse you. You can write them down. These things make up your arousal pattern, and you want to know what these things are and do them. Ask your partner for them. Don’t stop experimenting until you know what works to get you excited. Having you be aroused in the bedroom is at the heart of having it be special.

2. Sexual arousal is unique in that it takes simultaneous relaxing and excitement. The psyche wants to be relaxed so the body will allow excitement/tension to build. That tension and excitement is a good thing. Arousal is a YES to PLEASURE. Let yourself FEEL pleasure.

3. You have “gates” that arousal triggers have to get past to start the cascade of arousal. Stimulating multiple sensory channels at once increases the chance the gates will open. Physically stimulating the body in two or three places, and using your voice in intimate erotic talk at the same time does this. Adding music and aromatherapy uses even two more channels. In the most delightful sense you want to overwhelm those gates.

4. Be curious about your partner and what makes his/her pulse faster. You are in bed with someone who is different than you. His/her likes, body and attention patterns are different than yours. So is his/her arousal pattern. You can figure it out if you pay attention to what works. Track what works.

5. For women: Own your femininity and make it more real and visible to yourself and your partner. Appreciate that this is what you are sharing, it is not just your body, it is your aesthetic, your motion, your essence.

6. For men: If your woman has a busy mind and is distracted it is OK for you to say to her: “I want all of you here with me. What do I have to do to get all of you here with me?” Then listen closely to her answer and don’t try to add more pressure to the moment. Don’t problem solve. Listen as attentively as you can. If she gets emotional, you stay steady.

7. For men: Use your attention as the powerful agent it is. Get skilled in your use of it and then let your woman bask in it. Your daily attention feeds her as a vital nutrient to her well-being, as well as it can be an erotic additive to sexual moments.

8. For men: When you have positive thoughts about your partner, e.g. the way she looks, the way she feels when she is close to you, how you enjoy watching her move…Say those thoughts OUTLOUD. Verbalize those thoughts. Multiple times per day is not too much.

9. For women: When you dress up, or put on lipstick, or show some cleavage, or wiggle in front of him: LET HIM KNOW YOU ARE DOING IT TO GET HIS ATTENTION. OWN THAT YOU WANT HIS ATTENTION. Keep your dynamic as a couple alive and interesting.

10. For women: Make something happen sexually because you can. Do it because you have that power and can celebrate that power. You don’t have to wait till your body tells you to have sex, and you don’t have to wait for him to start something. You can make something happen anytime.

11. Break the “every time” bedroom habits that you have around sex even if they “work”. Doing new things increases your pleasure and raises the excitement and neurotransmitter levels.

12. Make the bedroom furnishings align with HER (your) sensuality. The colors and fabrics used should be the ones that make you feel the most sensuality and sexually alive. The bedroom creates a physical space that represents how you value your sexual connection. Make yours great.

Click here to read my blog post about how to add femininity into your sexual chemistry.

Women and Sexual Arousal

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When women get in bed with their mates and start touch that leads to sex, they are often starting at a zero Female Arousallevel of sexual arousal—maybe a one or two out of ten. The arousal level exciting enough to lead to orgasm would be a nine or a ten. That is a big jump, and it is a jump you want to know how to make. Finding out how to do this is a process of discovery. Most women I talk to who have low levels of arousal have not spent the time needed to explore what brings them pleasure. They have not discovered what actually works for them. Or, in some cases, they used to know, but their bodies have changed, and they have not re-explored.

Talk about sexual arousal reminds me of what a 33-year old woman said in an evening class I taught. She introduced herself saying that she was there to find out if she could have sex that was something in-between the sex she was currently having with her husband, and the sex in the erotic novel, 50 Shades of Grey. Peals of laughter emerged from all corners of the room as the women in the class could relate.

The remarkable thing about the sex in 50 Shades of Grey, in my view, is not its S and M components; it is that the book displays the benefits of having sex with someone who is well trained in sexual arousal. This level of training is the standout element in this book. The sex in 50 Shades of Grey did not just happen. It was sex with someone who had spent hours paying attention to what is sexually arousing to another person. Christian Grey had invested time, attention, and thousands of dollars on his sexual education and hours spent in practice and experimenting in how to move a woman from a zero to a ten. He learned to identify increases in heart rate, to figure out which pressure of touch got his partner to create faster, which moans indicated she was near her edge.

If the arousal level in your sex life does not match 50 Shades of Grey, don’t be down on yourself or your partner. Don’t think you should already know. If you’re like most of the people who come to see me, neither you nor your partner has had a single class in sexual arousal. You have not had the hours of one-on-one mentoring with uninterrupted focus and no expense spared that the fictitious Christian Grey had.

Most women piece together their education in sexual arousal with the bits and pieces they have stumbled upon from direct experience, or as interpreted through girlfriends, the movies, TV, Cosmopolitan Magazine, and maybe a sister. They hope their partner has had a better education, but this is unlikely.

As interested as men are in getting their women excited and pleasing them, and they are interested in doing that, few are well informed about how to do it. Most likely your partner has had little useful education about sexual pleasure. High school sex education classes cover anatomy and physiology, pregnancy, and sexually transmitted diseases. These classes focus on real problems and risks involved with sexual activity, but they do not educate at all on how to create a good experience or peak of pleasure. His information about your pleasure, most likely, is collected from bits too; e.g. his friends, TV pornography, or other things he as read on the internet, as well as what he has found to work in the past.

Your arousal is at the heart of enjoying sex and central to both you and your partner’s satisfaction. Your arousal is a very good thing. The more you are aroused, the more excited you will feel, and the more likely you are to orgasm. Finding out what kind of stimulation gets you going is essential. What works for you sexually is not something you get to choose, it is something you get to discover. You can’t decide to be aroused by something — you get to try it and see if it does actually work. If you don’t know what works for you it does not mean there is anything wrong with you. Most likely you are sexually “normal”. Don’t think you should already know, and don’t blame yourself. The action for you to take is to experiment! Experimenting is the doorway to finding out.

The first thing to know as you explore what takes you from a zero to a ten is that no two women are alike. You have your own personal arousal triggers. The ideas you see in the movies, or hear from a girlfriend may or may not work for you. How do you find out what works for you?  You experiment. You find out what makes you tingly or hot and what makes you wet.

Be yourself, relax your mind, and feel your reactions. Perhaps a light touch to the side of your ribs is deliciously arousing to you. Or maybe you prefer being lifted strongly into the bed by your partner and aggressively mounted. Or a tender personal, erotic dialogue in your ear during intercourse may be what works to get you going. Is it roses? It is his sexual advances? Is it when he does something on the edge? What gets you sexually excited?

Maybe romance arouses you? If so, don’t judge it; work with it. Read romance novels. Watch movies with swashbuckling heroes or heroines that are swept away by love. Ask your partner to up his romantic moves. Ask to be surprised with flowers, or to have your bed littered with rose petals and an enormous number of candles lit around the room, or dine first by candlelight as a prelude. Perhaps you’d like to role-play with him. He gets to be the Texas Ranger, and you are the irresistible damsel in distress, or vice versa. As you experiment you may be surprised what excites you. Make note of it. You may not choose to do every thing that excites you, but you may want to do some of them.

Watch erotic movies, or read erotic literature. There is a whole genre of material out there that is designed to turn you on – see if it does. In bed try a variety of touches and pressures, different positions, unique places and see how you respond.

When something works don’t keep it to yourself. With your words or your moans, let your partner know you are turned on. You can say: “More there,” “Yes!” “That’s it.”
When things are not working, let him know too. If his hand is slightly off the right spot, move it. If the pressure is too strong, adjust your body or his.   Don’t do it as a frustrated woman, or a stern teacher, do it as a sexy female who is aroused and wanting to be more aroused. You are on the same team, working together to make sex exciting for both of you.

If you don’t know what touch or position you want, but you know what he or she is doing isn’t working, communicate your desire to experiment, “Let’s try here” or “Touch me here.” Take his hand and place it where you can explore. Move it in the rhythm that feels good to you. Small immediate sexy communications that disclose to your partner what is happening inside your body work to keep arousal building.

If squeezing your nipples is more arousing than kissing them, tell him to squeeze them. If you know the kind of passion in the kiss you want, show him. Kiss him the way you want to be kissed. Tell him in your aroused passionate (not angry or critical) voice that this is how you love to kiss.

For examples of women who have claimed their sexual selves enough to share the specifics of their own orgasms go to www.OMGyes.com.  The open talk on this site may reframe things

Don’t take it personally if you have to tell him again the next time. Persist. When he sees what awakens when you get fully excited his memory will improve.

Be direct and positive. A man’s macho self can take it. They can take your honesty. They want you to be excited, so they are more open to change than you think. They don’t know what to do to get you excited, so tell them. If your partner is female, communicate with her in the language that would work for you, whether you are using the language of touch or words. Watch and listen to her responses closely, and adjust what you do. There are two arousal speeds in the room, and you want both of you to get to 9 or 10.

Remember, if you don’t know what works for you it does not mean there is anything wrong with you. Most likely you are sexually “normal”. Don’t think you should already know, and don’t blame yourself. The action for you now is to find out.

For more in depth writings on this subject, click here to buy Fanning the Female Flame-How to Increase Your Sexual Desire.