Adding your feminine energy into your relationship chemistry raises the excitement level for both of you. It increases desire and appreciation in both the male and the female, and works in non-binary relationships. Even in relationships that have suffered decades-long dry spells, things can turn around quickly, even immediately when this is engaged. It takes only one person in the couple to get things going. If you, as a woman, claim your feminine sexuality and express it, you can get your partner’s attention. When you get his or her attention you can use it to enhance your dynamic and to bring you closer.
Patty and Paul Richards introduced me to this dynamic years ago in their work and subsequent book, Wild Attraction, a Ruthlessly Practical Guide to Extraordinary Relationship. In this model of relationship women want men who will give them personal, sophisticated and positive attention, and men want women who will provide them sexuality and charge.
I have been warned that this dynamic sounds too traditional and stereotypical and is not a contemporary value. I would argue that it works, and most women I work with want to feel closer to their mate and want a romantic aspect to life that can be found here. Going here is going in the opposite direction of a ships passing in the night relationship. This is not boring. You make something happen because you express being an alive sexual feminine being.
When you engage this dynamic you heat things up. By this I mean it works to increase your intimacy and how available you are to each other. Over time, your trust in each other creates an internal relaxation. Newly found aspects of yourself arise. These aspects may be more experimental or they are deeper or feel more raw or animalistic than you used to experience.
If your relationship is not exciting to you now, take a look at this dynamic and see if it is playing out in your relationship now. When a man (or the partner choosing to express more ‘maleness’) frees up his/her attention and places it in a positive and attentive way on his/her wife or partner, and when a woman confidently claims and expresses her sexuality, things in the bedroom heat up.
The nice thing that I have observed is this: though it takes two to tango, it only takes one person to start things rolling in that direction. You can be that one. Own your femininity confidently and make it more real and visible to yourself and to your partner. It is not just your body you are sharing, it is your aesthetic, your motion, your being.
One way to do this is to highlight your body. When you accent your curves, or emphasize your femaleness, you create a good kind of tension that can ignite desire in both of you. Or you can hide your curves, your breasts, and hips, and keep the tension down. You can wear a sheer, lacy nightgown that shows your silhouette, or you can wear flannel pajamas. A choice that accentuates your femininity both to yourself and to your partner is more likely to ignite passion.
Yes, you are tap dancing on your partner’s attention by playing up your feminine shape. You are doing it to increase the passion and excitement that you both experience. You may have been discouraged to accent your female form in the past, fearing being seen as ‘loose’, or as a manipulator. But inside a safe and respectful relationship where power is played with to enhance intimacy — not to oppress a person — you can use your femininity as a powerful additive. You can use your voice seductively too. This is quite different than accenting your breasts and hips when walking past a construction site with working men whom you don’t know, and to whom you are not promising any future intimacy.
As simple as this sounds, dialing up the feminine is not an intuitive action for women. Trisha was 62 when she intentionally added her feminine sexuality into the mix, and her boring sex life turned around that same week.
Trisha came to an evening class because a friend had told her it had helped her get her sex life going again. Right after the first class finished Trisha came up to me and asked if she could have a different homework assignment. She said “You need to understand, I don’t have any libido. I can’t do these things. I don’t have any desire for sex.” “Do them anyway,” I said. I wasn’t being unkind. I knew that the best way for her to find her libido was to take action.
The following week Trisha was the first to raise her hand. She reported that she had done the assignment even though she didn’t expect any result. She was shocked. She had dressed up in a sexy way, put on lipstick and eye makeup, and gone on a date with her husband. She flirted and they had fun. She already felt juicy again.
“I was so surprised. I didn’t believe I could. I did all those things thinking nothing would happen. Now I am looking forward to sex with my husband!” Three months later, I followed up with her. She referred to her sex life as “hot.”
“I did not know that I could control feeling horny through my mind, through thinking about sex, and through dressing up like I used to when I was sixteen or twenty-six and feeling beautiful. I think the key for me is really attention. Like you said, I can create that same feeling of hormonal need now, after menopause, by giving my attention to sex and feeling sexy. Part of all that is getting dressed up a little bit and going out somewhere in the evening, which we know isn’t the sexual part but we do it anyway. I like getting dressed up, knowing full well what’s coming later, and flirting, and making an event of the whole process so that I am feeling quite juicy by the time we even hit the bedroom. All of those things have rekindled my desire. I actually feel horny again! Sounds kind of trivial and superficial to remember to dress sexy again. Luckily we have great bodies, so why not use them and dress sexily and not worry about the fact that I’m sixty-two years old. No, I should not! It’s the whole process—the way I dress and look, to the way the bedroom is decorated, to creating events, to having dates. Maybe going out for a six course meal, maybe going out for a martini, or something, but somewhere a little elegant.”
Overall, Trisha said her sex life has gone from boring to hot; in fact, her word now is “uninhibited.” She gives herself over to the experience of sex. Her mind quits and she allows her body to take over. There is no control, and she can get lost in the experience. It feels like freedom and openness to her. It feels like coming home. She gets that luscious experience of oneness, the feeling that there is no separation between her and her husband. This lovely anticipation and the following deep satisfaction had been missing from their sex life for a decade, ever since menopause.
Connecting sexually, Trisha said, has brought in more tenderness and respect. “We are both far more loving in the little ways throughout the day. It is just sweet. It really has improved in small ways which is lovely. There’s a wonderful sense of gratitude for each other. Our little secret of what we’ve done here together in the bedroom spills over to appreciation in all the other ways as well.”
Trisha found that if she and her husband got into “work mode” for days at a time, they would schedule a date, and the good sexual tension returned. If Trisha missed sex first, she asked her husband to create a date. She liked it when he asked her to go on a date. His expression of desire for her added more romance, and she found romance arousing.
There is another half to this dance and that is how the male can start things up with you — how he can get things going, or keep things going, even when you are not feeling engaged romantically or sexually. He can do this by paying attention to you, giving you positive (not demanding) attention. Is your partner paying attention to you in a way that is personal and nourishing? Do you feel included in his/her attention most of the time even when you don’t need anything? Do you feel connected to him even when nothing is going on? If the answer is no, you — like Trisha — can be the one to start that dance going. Even though she thought nothing would happen, she did the assignment and got surprised. Start your tap dance. Tap dance with your partner’s attention by adding your feminine energy into the moment. Accent your curves, flirt, wink, wiggle those hips, play with his attention. Remind your partner you are an alive feminine sensual being who wants to connect. Don’t let him forget.
Click here to read my blog post about the female body and sexual pleasure.