Women and Sexual Arousal


When women get in bed with their mates and start touch that leads to sex, they are often starting at a zero level of sexual arousal—possibly a one or two out of ten. The arousal level that they would find exciting enough to lead to orgasm would be at a nine or a ten. That is a big jump, and it is a jump you want to know how to make. Finding out how to do this is a process of discovery. Most women I talk to who have low levels of arousal have not spent time exploring their own pleasure. They have not sought to discover what works for them. Or, in some cases, they used to know, but their bodies have changed, and they have not re-explored.

Talk about sexual arousal reminds me of something a 33-year0old woman said in one of my classes. She introduced herself saying that she was there to find out if she could have sex that was something between the sex she was currently having with her husband, and the sex in the erotic novel, 50 Shades of Grey. Peals of laughter emerged from all corners of the room as the women in the class could relate.

The remarkable thing about the sex in 50 Shades of Grey, in my view, is not its S and M components; it is that the book displays the benefits of having sex with someone who is well trained in sexual arousal. This level of training is the standout element in this book. The sex in 50 Shades of Grey did not just happen. It was sex with someone who had spent hours paying attention to what is sexually arousing to another person. Christian Grey had invested time, attention, and thousands of dollars on his sexual education and hours spent in practice and experimenting in how to move a woman from a zero to a ten. He learned to identify increases in heart rate, to figure out which pressure of touch got his partner to create faster, which moans indicated she was near her edge.

If the arousal level in your sex life does not match 50 Shades of Grey, don’t be down on yourself or your partner. Don’t think you should already know. If you’re like most of the people who come to see me, neither you nor your partner has had a single class in sexual arousal. You have not had the hours of one-on-one mentoring with uninterrupted focus and no expense spared that the fictitious Christian Grey had.

Most women piece together their education in sexual arousal with the bits and pieces they have stumbled upon from direct experience, or as interpreted through girlfriends, the movies, TV, Cosmopolitan Magazine, and maybe a sister. They hope their partner has had a better education, but this is unlikely.

As interested as men are in getting their women excited and pleasing them, and they are interested in doing that, few are well informed about how to do it. Most likely your partner has had little useful education about sexual pleasure. High school sex education classes cover anatomy and physiology, pregnancy, and sexually transmitted diseases. These classes focus on real problems and risks involved with sexual activity, but they do not educate at all on how to create a good experience or peak of pleasure. His information about your pleasure, most likely, is collected from bits too; e.g. his friends, TV pornography, or other things he as read on the internet, as well as what he has found to work in the past.

Your arousal is at the heart of enjoying sex and central to both you and your partner’s satisfaction. Your arousal is a very good thing. The more you are aroused, the more excited you will feel, and the more likely you are to orgasm. Finding out what kind of stimulation gets you going is essential. What works for you sexually is not something you get to choose, it is something you get to discover. You can’t decide to be aroused by something — you get to try it and see if it does actually work. If you don’t know what works for you it does not mean there is anything wrong with you. Mom likely you are sexually “normal”. Don’t think you should already know, and don’t blame yourself. The action for you to take is to experiment! Experimenting is the doorway to finding out.

To read Women and Sexual Arousal Part II, click here.

8 replies
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    ig says:

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    • Susan Kay Preslar
      Susan Kay Preslar says:

      Thanks for taking the time to give me feedback. So glad you found it helpful. Stay tuned for more…. If you are on facebook, you can like my Fanning the Female Flame Page, and receive posts that way. Warmth, with a sparkle, Susan

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